I just have to get some things off my chest cause I don't know if I'll ever have the courage to do it again. I struggle with lying, I lie to myself, I lie to others, I lie to my family, and I'm good at it. I don't like it. Maybe it's just a protective reflex, maybe it's not but it's a problem. I lie to myself until I have no choice but to believe what I say to myself. I lie about how I am doing cause I don't want to worry people, I don't want to be a burden to people, I am the bubbly, positive, uplifting person on the outside just constantly wearing a mask and fooling everyone including myself. I stuff all the feelings I have inside a bottle until I don't know what feelings are real and which are lies that I have told myself. I just want to fit in with people so bad that on impulse I just agree with and pretend like I relate to whatever they are saying. If someone starts complaining about how hot their mask is I just roll my eyes with them and complain about it too but really I am extremely comfortable in my mask and I have absolutely no problem with wearing it for extended periods of time and even forget to take it off. If someone at school starts talking about how long the day feels and I will agree with them, even though my sense of time is often vastly different from whoever is talking. I just stuff everything down and put a cork in that bottle until I just explode. I'm always worried that I'm being too self centered or talking about myself too often and not listening to other people enough or just trying to attract attention, so I just tend to try to fit in and seem kind but all of this is just slowly killing me on the inside and I don't know how to deal with it or talk to my friends or family about it. I am 16 years old and have never had a best friend till last year and I'm constantly afraid of pushing her away or seeming like I am copying her, or annoying her and I'm terrified that she won't trust me if I tell her about all my problems with stuffing it down and lying to everyone. What if she doesn't trust me anymore and doesn't want to be my best friend anymore. What if everyone hates me bc I lie so much. On impulse if someone asks me if I'm okay I just bounce back with a smile saying I'm fine and they smile back at me and just know yeah yeah they're okay cause they are always ok but I'm not okay. I haven't been okay for awhile.